First and foremost, I don't understand the appeal of vampires. There's nothing sexy to me about falling in love with someone who has the capacity to kill you during your makeout sessions, as well as bring you into the clan of the undead. I never watched Buffy and found myself staring into space when my 6th grade French class swooned over Angel. And while "Hung" and "Mad Men" are always on my DVR, I've passed over "True Blood" (probably the only acclaimed cable drama I haven't given a chance.)
So the best chance of me watching the Twilight movies would be on a hungover Sunday afternoon sometime in the future, too lazy to change the channel. But I saw the Big 3 (Rob, Kristin, & Taylor aka "whats-his-abs") on Oprah a few days ago. Robert Pattinson showed off his dry British humor and Taylor Lautner won me over with his winning smile (also: ABS). The tiniest piece of me was intrigued...could I get on the Twi-hard train?
More proof that I was destined to watch these movies: my fiance had entertained renting them on Netflix too. Thank goodness for the internet. Instant gratification for our vampire curiousity! The titular Twilight starts out like many teen films; protagonist moves to new town and struggles to fit in. Bella is morose and moody and longing for...something. On her first day at school, she's POPULAR and all the kids want to get to know her and be her friend. Hold the phone, when does that happen in real life? The last time I checked, teenagers who sulk and pout are not the center of attention in the cafeteria. I should know. I was an awkward drama kid, and yes, I did become prom queen...er, sigh, moving on. Maybe someone should make a movie of my life?
Okay, so this is pretty much the first third of the movie. Edward looks at Bella longingly and lustfully, with a little bit of distain thrown in. She, like all young girls, continue to go after the guy that keeps pushing them away. We all want the one who makes us feel bad, don't we ladies? Their exchanges go something like this "I want you." "You can't have me." "I must have you." "No, I'm going to stare dreamily at you until you go away." It also must be noted that all their exchanges stay at the same low intensity level. I kept waiting for someone to raise their voice or pitch as they reacted to each other. Like regular conversation. The more you interact the more intense it gets...not in Twilight, folks. They pretty much read the lines as if they're reading a script cold for the first time. Flatlined conversation. Part of the problem is Rob's American accent. It's as if he's trying SOHARD to get our flat vowels correct that he's completely thrown emotion out the window. My acting professor from college would be so displeased.
So at this point in the movie, I really don't get it. This turns the teenage girls on? A pale faced pretty boy with no personality? For that matter, are 2010 teenage girls like Bella - outwardly morose and wanting to escape high school and present life by turning into a vampire? Maybe it's a sign of the times. The recession is still in full force, gas prices are high and a lot of us still don't have health insurance. Remember our late 90s teen movies (She's All That and 10 Things I Hate About You come to mind) - they were so optimistic about how awesome our lives were going to be, but in the meantime let's find the mate of our dreams and get laid. Now, those teenagers had FUN. Not in the Twi-era. Moody alternative music underscores our desire for a fantasyland and a mate that really is a fantasy creation.
After he tells her his secret "HEY BABE I'M A VAMPIRE AND I WANT TO BITE YOU SO HARD," the movie picks up its pace a little bit. We meet his vampire family (hey it's Dr. Coop from "Nurse Jackie"! Nice ascot.) We get some vampy battle scenes, he saves her life and in the end, Edward and Bella go to the prom. So the message I'm getting: we're all damsels in distress who want to be saved, and that savoir better escort us to the big dance.
So Braden and I made fun of it throughout the whole movie. But we never wanted to turn it off and as soon as it was over I asked him, "Wanna get the next one?" He immediately responded. "Yes, let's watch it right now." So despite the fact that it's sappy and wooden, there's no denying that there's something inexplictably enthralling about those vampires.
I'll spare you my review of New Moon, but let's just say the drama knob goes to 11. There's no condensing Bella's depression. We get montages accompianed by gloomy alternative bands. We get 360 degree angles of her crying in her bedroom. Edward Cullen has left the building and this allows Taylor Lautner to take center stage with an engaging performance (also: werewolf abs).
Jacob as a character is wittier, manlier and much more charismatic. Even though he's doomed with the same drippy romantic dialogue, his delivery is more convincing than his vampire counterpart. Braden is on board with Team Jacob immediately. "I don't understand why Bella doesn't go for Jacob. He has a personality and is more practical." Not surprising that my DIY fiance would relate to the motorcycle fixing werewolf. Bella spends most of the movie with Jacob and he begins to fall for her, despite the fact that she still pines for Edward. "Stop toying with his emotions, Bella!" the fiance proclaims. Edward returns at some point (I don't remember why) and the vampire-werewolf smackdown begins. The brooding pretty boy vs. the charismatic everyman. And they both want the girl! They both want to save her. It's a crisis every girl dreams of. Right? But in the end, Bella wants the one that can make her immortal so they can be together. 4ever. So Edward ends the film by proposing to her. Now that's an eternity promise, kids!
After watching the two films, I still don't have vampire lust. Which makes sense considered I'm engaged to a Jacob: practical, handy and endearingly romantic. As for the werewolf abs, well, we're working towards it.
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