Do You Wanna Touch Me There...on my C2 and C3 Vertebrae?

I am not a huge fan of Gwyneth Paltrow, but I am loving her Glee character, Holly the over-the-top crazy substitute teacher. I am going to miss Glee next week as I will be under the knife and in anesthesia la la land but this video definitely made me smile. Also, loving Glee's newest cast member, Ashley Fink as zaftig badass goddess Lauren and definitely a good inspiration for BBWW (Big Beautiful White Women) everywhere (Also, don't you just love the word "zaftig"? Very 1920s.) You can't go wrong with Joan Jett and sexual education...all righty, Glee, you are winning me back as a fan.

Some of this I've already written about on my CaringBridge site, but I tend to be a little blunt here. The whole world can't handle abrasive Ginny all the time. *wink* I'm preparing for the home stretch. I go into the hospital on Monday for my Neurovascular test then afterwards that I am ADMITTED. Admittedly (pun intended), I have been a little nervous. I've never stayed in the hospital over night. I think when I had my deviated septum surgery, I was outpatient that afternoon. But this time, it will be Ginny's week-long adventure at the hospital. Bring the camera and the fanny pack! Honestly, I don't know what to prepare for or pack, despite the fact that a very nice PA went over everything in my pre-op consult today and I have handouts and all that. I'm thinking books, ipod, shower shoes, and pajama bottoms. I'm a terrible packer in these kind of situations. It's a little overwhelming.


I admit: I am scared about fusing some of vertebrae together - C1 and C2 and C3, I believe. I've known about it since my diagnosis, but I'm terrified of my body changing. I understand it's a small price to pay for beating cancer, but still. I will lose some of my range of motion for a while. I should gain most of it back, being able to turn my head side to side and touch my chin to chest (important for singing and acting warm-ups and stretching), I won't be able to lift up my neck too far to look up. Which how often does anyone do that anyways?Well, I never had that double pirouette to begin with and I guess I never will now, haha. Time to let that dream float away. *wink* It's unnerving, knowing that my body will change a lot in the short term and a little in the long term. But I keep reminding myself, that it will all be for the best.

Despite the fact that I've felt very good the past few days, I was so exhausted today. NEWSFLASH: Cancer makes you tired for no reason at all. They did take a lot of blood samples from me, so maybe that's why. Or maybe I had too much fun when my cousins came over and played Jungle Speed and joked around with me last night. Maybe I'm just anxious and nervous. The most important part of a musical or play is the climax of Act I, and this surgery is my climax. So what does Act II hold in store?...it's a mystery! I better come back after the intermission. ;)


So I get admitted Monday. Surgery is Tuesday. From what I understand I'm going to have enough wires and tubes in me that I'm going to resemble Robocop. But I'll be under the whole time, so I won't even remember. Thank goodness for anesthesia and modern medicine. Depending on how things go, I may spend some time in the ICU, depending on my condition and if my plastic surgeon decides to wait a bit before reconstructing. Each doctor has to go in and do their part. Tuesday is going to be a doozy for my family and friends, but I won't remember any of it. I will probably have a neck brace temporarily. And then off to my hospital room to recover and from then on...who knows?

I have been wearing a ton of scarves lately, not just for style but I am a little self-conscious about my super swollen lymph nodes and I'm sure I will be swollen and bruised and stitched up afterwards. I'm not sure if I'm ready to wear my battle scars with pride yet. My soon-to-be Aunt Patti got this awesome scarf holder from Ikea for Christmas and I think I'm gonna need one after all the scarves I've found and been given. I tried to find it on the website but of course everything has a Swedish name (I call it the Scarfenblurgen), so I had to look on ebay. If you have a lot of scarves, this thing is awesome.


Also, just found out that my phone upgrade has come up and since mine is a piece of poo and doesn't like to receive calls and I want to hear from all of you, I might bite the bullet and get the Iphone since Verizon has it now. And maybe find out what this Angry Birds thing is all about.


Remember to think of me on the 8th. I won't be awake, but you all will be! When I am lucid and stabilized, I will have my laptop and be able to give updates. Thank goodness for Duke Hospital wireless internet! 

Generosity

Braden and I and the family got really lucky this weekend in that some friends generously showered us with gifts. His co-worker gave us a $100 gift certificate to Acme Restaurant, a very upscale place in Carrboro with upscale prices. So we were able to get dressed up and have date night on Saturday without having to worry about finances or cancer for a few hours. We both ordered special cocktails (don't worry, I made sure to avoid taking the narcotics in the evening), had THE MOST AMAZING calamari and Asian salad (seriously we would go back just for that.) He had the wild boar and venison pasta (manliest pasta ever!) and I had the crabcakes. I wish we could have gotten desserts but we were stuffed. We even had a little left over, so we can have another date night there sometime in the future.


Sunday, one of my parents friends gave us tickets to see "In the Heights" and we got the VIP parking, Presidential Lounge privileges, 5th row seats and the show was really awesome. I was not very familiar with the show or the music, but it's one of the best contemporary musicals I've seen in a long time. Better than Wicked or Spring Awakening or Rent (which I guess is a relic now). It's about life in a Spanish neighborhood in Washington Heights and the American dream and family and love across race and somehow brings all those themes together without being schmaltzy. The relationship between the dad and his daughter Nina reminded me a lot of my dad and I, and it just goes to show, that so much reality crosses racial lines. The music is inventive, Latin sounds and hip-hop with a Broadway twist. Also the choreography is AMAZING. I was jealous watching it. Those dancers put me in awe, but then again all professional dancers do. So if "In the Heights" comes to your neighborhood, go see it! 100% worth it.


The generosity made me feel like a princess with perks this weekend, but it certainly doesn't outweigh the cons. Today, I had to consult with the chemotherapy doctor. Basically, we will not know until after the surgery exactly what kind of sarcoma I have until they run the pathology tests since they are a very rare cancer (1% of all cancers are sarcomas). It could be a "child/young adult" sarcoma or an "adult" sarcoma and that affects the type of treatment I will have post-surgery. We talked about clinical trials. Side effects of chemotherapy. And the possibility of my wedding in May started to evaporate. My brain shorts out. I try to control myself, but I get snippy and teary and I have trouble processing all this new information on top of old information. I know I have to adapt; the counselor told me that. But it's my G-D wedding, it's a tough thing to let go of. (Yes, wedding is still on, it just depends on what happens post surgery)

In general, I cope with this by living moment to moment, day by day. I cannot think about "what ifs" and hypothetical because there is so much information out there my brain would explode. And I guess that's why people applaud me in appearing so strong and courageous. But doctors don't do that. They have to go over all possible scenarios. They have to present you with all the options. The "what ifs" have to be explored. They have no choice but to tell you "the scary stuff". Everything has to be put on the table and my parents always ask a million (granted, legit) questions so I always leave the clinic feeling like someone took a hammer to my brain. It's easy, in a way, to take things one day at a time. It's harder to process the unknown.


My grandma Barbara was breast cancer survivor for 27 years. She got it the first time when she was 38. She dealt with it 3 times until it finally took her down in 2003. She passed when I was 17, but we were very close. I remember her being a strong, spiritual woman. She was a woman who valued her friends and life that she was given. She loved her family. I know she is looking down on me and is still in my heart, but there must have been times when she was at home and was angry and yelled "CANCER SUCKS." She hid that kind of stuff from my dad and my aunt and from us grandkids (I mean, this was a woman who hid the cigarettes behind her back when we walked into the house. Grandma, bless your soul, but we saw the ash and the smoke raising behind your head). And I wish she was still alive so I could ask her, "what did you do when you were frustrated with God, with the pain, with everyone, with life and you just wanted to scream about your life being turned upside down?" I would give a lot to be able to talk to her again.