Generosity

Braden and I and the family got really lucky this weekend in that some friends generously showered us with gifts. His co-worker gave us a $100 gift certificate to Acme Restaurant, a very upscale place in Carrboro with upscale prices. So we were able to get dressed up and have date night on Saturday without having to worry about finances or cancer for a few hours. We both ordered special cocktails (don't worry, I made sure to avoid taking the narcotics in the evening), had THE MOST AMAZING calamari and Asian salad (seriously we would go back just for that.) He had the wild boar and venison pasta (manliest pasta ever!) and I had the crabcakes. I wish we could have gotten desserts but we were stuffed. We even had a little left over, so we can have another date night there sometime in the future.


Sunday, one of my parents friends gave us tickets to see "In the Heights" and we got the VIP parking, Presidential Lounge privileges, 5th row seats and the show was really awesome. I was not very familiar with the show or the music, but it's one of the best contemporary musicals I've seen in a long time. Better than Wicked or Spring Awakening or Rent (which I guess is a relic now). It's about life in a Spanish neighborhood in Washington Heights and the American dream and family and love across race and somehow brings all those themes together without being schmaltzy. The relationship between the dad and his daughter Nina reminded me a lot of my dad and I, and it just goes to show, that so much reality crosses racial lines. The music is inventive, Latin sounds and hip-hop with a Broadway twist. Also the choreography is AMAZING. I was jealous watching it. Those dancers put me in awe, but then again all professional dancers do. So if "In the Heights" comes to your neighborhood, go see it! 100% worth it.


The generosity made me feel like a princess with perks this weekend, but it certainly doesn't outweigh the cons. Today, I had to consult with the chemotherapy doctor. Basically, we will not know until after the surgery exactly what kind of sarcoma I have until they run the pathology tests since they are a very rare cancer (1% of all cancers are sarcomas). It could be a "child/young adult" sarcoma or an "adult" sarcoma and that affects the type of treatment I will have post-surgery. We talked about clinical trials. Side effects of chemotherapy. And the possibility of my wedding in May started to evaporate. My brain shorts out. I try to control myself, but I get snippy and teary and I have trouble processing all this new information on top of old information. I know I have to adapt; the counselor told me that. But it's my G-D wedding, it's a tough thing to let go of. (Yes, wedding is still on, it just depends on what happens post surgery)

In general, I cope with this by living moment to moment, day by day. I cannot think about "what ifs" and hypothetical because there is so much information out there my brain would explode. And I guess that's why people applaud me in appearing so strong and courageous. But doctors don't do that. They have to go over all possible scenarios. They have to present you with all the options. The "what ifs" have to be explored. They have no choice but to tell you "the scary stuff". Everything has to be put on the table and my parents always ask a million (granted, legit) questions so I always leave the clinic feeling like someone took a hammer to my brain. It's easy, in a way, to take things one day at a time. It's harder to process the unknown.


My grandma Barbara was breast cancer survivor for 27 years. She got it the first time when she was 38. She dealt with it 3 times until it finally took her down in 2003. She passed when I was 17, but we were very close. I remember her being a strong, spiritual woman. She was a woman who valued her friends and life that she was given. She loved her family. I know she is looking down on me and is still in my heart, but there must have been times when she was at home and was angry and yelled "CANCER SUCKS." She hid that kind of stuff from my dad and my aunt and from us grandkids (I mean, this was a woman who hid the cigarettes behind her back when we walked into the house. Grandma, bless your soul, but we saw the ash and the smoke raising behind your head). And I wish she was still alive so I could ask her, "what did you do when you were frustrated with God, with the pain, with everyone, with life and you just wanted to scream about your life being turned upside down?" I would give a lot to be able to talk to her again.