A Cancer Clusterf**k

I did not know this but today I found out that the ribbon that represents sarcoma patients is yellow with a sunflower. This makes me happy because in spite of my illness, I have been wearing a lot of bright colors recently (instead of the brown and purple and deep jewel tones I usually wear. I've always been rather anti-pastel. I mean, my wedding colors are red, white and black. No lilac here!). I wore a bright yellow sweater and red sundress with flowers for Valentine's Day. Gotta love 65 degree weather in February in North Carolina! In spite of it all, bright colors cheer me up. 

I did some major post Valentine clearance shopping and got this giant heart pillow at Target. Not only does it make me smile, it's actually quite comforting to my neck. :)

But some days, cancer effing sucks. Today was a decent relaxing day. I had a routine gyno appointment and my gynecologist used to be a womens' oncologist so she had very positive things to say. She's always been an approachable doctor so I felt very reassured leaving with my mom. I then went to the salon to talk to my hairdresser about the cancer situation and what to do with my hair for the portrait and the wedding. She said that I have so much hair that a little shaving from the surgery won't make a difference (luckily it's on the side of my neck and base of my skull, so I won't lose too much hair during surgery). So I made the happy Caringbridge website, the social site for cancer patients.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/ginnybuckner

But yesterday was a complete clusterf**k.

First of all, I did not sleep well because I was nervous about meeting with the oncologist and CT scan results. Oncology is cancer, and that means it's real. Time to man up, Ginny and face the truth. Not that I haven't, but sitting in that department made me anxious. Also it's in the SUB-basement of Duke hospital. Of course, cancer would be in the dungeon of Duke (it's actually because of all the radiation machines, but still it's a little coincidental  that oncology is in the sub-basement.)

I met with my oncologist for the first time and she tells me a) there are questionable lymph nodes in my chest from the full CT scan and b) she's not convinced that my sarcoma is one that surgery is necessary for because my samples from the biopsy were not all that great and maybe we should push my surgery back and run more tests. 

So I literally go crazy and yell, NO NO NO. In a doctor's office, for the first time, I lose my shit.

Usually I am very polite to doctors, but each appointment keeps bringing bad news and I have had it up to here with news and she says they could cut open my thorax for the chest biopsy and I go into effing hysterics (as a soprano singer...not cool with cutting near the throat). I pretty much start freaking out on the table. My dad is clearly firm and angry about all these tests because we've already pushed back the surgery once and when it's clear I'm in pain and this tumor is growing. My mom goes into supermom mode and actually calls my neurosurgeon on her cell 4 times and tells him to get his butt to the oncology department (she's ballsy like that. sometimes it backfires, but not this time.)

I was in tears for hours and despite the fact that I had pretty much bitched out the doctor, the RN AND the PA (yes ladies and gentlemen, I was Cancer Bitch), everyone pretty much had to keep their distance, parents included. I exploded everyone out of the room. Eventually, the PA who is about my age came in with some water and  talked to me about opera and music while we waited for Braden to come in from work. Then a  cancer counselor came in and sat with Braden and I. I felt like I expelled all my emotions, but it was actually really nice. Duke has really awesome cancer counselors that are free. He said that my emotions were perfectly acceptable and it was nice for me to hash out some issues that I had been dealing with since the diagnosis and let Braden in the room hear it all (who is a very good listener and I love him for that). It was also good for me to give Braden some time to express how he was feeling in a safe place.

In the meantime, my neurosurgeon and oncologist talk it out and realize that the tumor is growing on my bone, causing severe pain and needs to go. ASAP. So surgery is still on for the 8th. She was actually very sweet to me and called me today...I mean, she's an oncologist, she probably gets a gamut of emotions all the time. I feel a little bad about going crazy on her...but some days cancer sucks.