The Psychoanalysis of Character Development

I had to divide the last post which included this into two posts. I diverged on a tangent and I've been writing so much. There's not really much else I can do except sit, watch TV, write and think. I can't sit down and read a book (the tumor and pain make my brain disoriented and unable to focus), I can't exercise obviously, singing is hard because my energy is very low and the meds have been causing some vocal blockage, and my driving is limited because I get drowsy and disoriented and have tunnel vision. So writing has been my big outlet when so many of my other ones have been shut down. Which is good in a way. When you are ill, you have lots of time to collect your thoughts, so you may as well record them.

I'm not sure if I've ever talked about this before, but when Patrick and I had an artistic career meeting, he discussed about how to connect to characters you play and how you pick the ones that are perfect for you. He says that you have to go back to the root of your childhood and identify a motif that affected how you behaved for the rest of your life and why you do what you do. And all your strengths and weaknesses come from that. It's an interesting theory. The reason we started this conversation is because he says he thinks my "awkwardness" is a wall I put up. It's a defense mechanism. For what? I'm not sure exactly...I'm still on that road to self-discovery. But if I had to pick a core psychoanalytical moment it would be being an only child and being surrounded by large extended families, 4 kids on side, 3 kids on the other, and that feeling of loneliness and solidarity, seeing the bonding of siblings around me that I didn't have. It's rather ironic that I'm marrying a man who is the oldest of 4 because of this. There have been moments, as an adult, with Braden, where I will cry when I get home from family functions, because of the bond and vibe and that unique relationship of the siblings. It's like a bunch of us are in the house together at Christmas and then the Adams kids all leave together and the Apple kids all leave together, and then I'm just alone. And sometimes this involuntary crying just flows out of me. I get embarrassed, and he reassures me that I will always have him. This is why I bond so closely with my friends and why it's very very painful to me when friendships fall apart, either naturally or delibaretely

So I guess to deal with my solidarity, I became incredibly shy as a child. I mean, I wouldn't look anyone in the eye. I was afraid to look or talk to their friends, salespeople, anyone. It was kind of freakish. I think my parents thought I might have had Aspurger's syndrome. My whole life I've struggled with eye contact. Kids made fun of me sometimes. By high school I had an abnormally high case of social anxiety. But I made friends and because I grew up in the same school for 13 years, I kind of became that quirky, awkward, funny girl that everyone liked in spite of her oddness. But by college, I had all these walls that had been accepted before; social anxiety eye contact, awkwardness, funny abrasiveness, a need for lots of alone time, quirkiness and SOLIDARITY and they were my protectors and I had a very hard time making friends. Plus, I was painfully insecure at Elon about my talent and got shit on by many a self-absorbed, ladder-climbing actor. And occasionally a professor. And I just kind of let these walls run my life for years.

And it wasn't until I found myself in the heat of this illness that I was able to start letting all those things melt away. My experience at Elon did not cause a burning pain for me anymore. I could greet new and higher status people with confidence. A CATHARSIS, if you will. Patrick called it, in simplified terms "the ugly duckling turning into a beautiful swan." Not just what we think of as physical beauty but the evolution of self.

Another facet of this is that I am a complete nurturer and mother figure to those who suffered like I did for their social inadequacies. Like there was this kid in Evita who was kind of annoying but sweet. He was constantly singing random showtunes over and over and would say really inappropriate jokes, blow up at authority figures and didn't seem to have an "on deck" for ideas to come out of his mouth. My friend said "Does he ever power down?" Then it was a down low thing that we found out he really DID have Aspurger's and suddenly I had to be his big sister. I had to take care of him. I actually became quite fond of him, in spite of his quirks. Cruelty towards the socially anxious kills me on the inside. I HAVE to protect people from it.

This entire conversation really spoke to me and I saw myself and my past in a mirror that I had never seen before. I feel a new breath inside me because of it. He really should write a book on it. (And let's not even get started that he shared that his motif is SEDUCTION. Oh Lord, could it be any more clearer?) And so now I am discovering myself and with that, I am discovering how to connect to characters and which ones I should strive to play. I am suddenly excited about reading plays and librettos again. It will give me lots to do when I am recovering from my surgery.