http://www.newsweek.com/id/233381
There's a book out that I read on the plane back from Memphis called "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough" by Lori Gottlieb. Basically the synopsis is as follows:
"Expanding on her 2008 Atlantic essay , Gottlieb, a 42-year-old mother who's never been married, says that young women today—herself a prime example—are too willing to give up a guy who's an 8 in search of a 10, only to find themselves middle-aged, alone, and no longer able to attract even a 6. Better, she argues, to settle for the kind, loyal guy with some flaws when you're still young enough to snag 'em."
In the book, Ms. Gottlieb goes on to whine about how at 41, single with a sperm-donor child, she has yet to find a husband and so do so many other "perfectionist" women. Excuse me, but when was the ultimate goal to find someone with movie star looks, a Plantinum credit card who will constantly dote on us financially, emotionally and sexually? Aren't you supposed to find someone that...um, LOVES YOU?
So she goes on to interview women that have dumped various men because they were "not into the exact same interests" or "wasn't that fashionable", "had facial hair". So accepting these things about someone who cares about you and loves you is SETTLING? Because he's not a clone of Brad Pitt...it's settling? I understand that as single women who have been dumped or dumped in the past, we often make lists on what we want in a partner, aka "shopping at the Husband Store". I made a list. There are 20 "wants". Lucky for me, Braden fits 18 of them. But as many as you know, Braden is completely ideologically and aesthetically different than me in SO MANY ways. Had I had written him off due to his ever growing collection of computer parts, raw building materials and flea market-meets-junkyard decor...or his interesting (when we first started dating, his VERY UNIQUE) facial hair, well I would have missed out on the most sincere, loving, giving man I have ever met.
And it goes both ways: he could have just have easily shunned me for my creative lifestyle or the fact that I leave cabinets open all over the house. I KNOW I'm not perfect...sure Hotornot rates me an 8.2 (whoo!) but does that give me the right to dump a guy because he doesn't have an Ivy League degree or a million facebook friends (answer: no.)
A passage that grates on me the most was that in her 20s the author dumped a guy who was "cute, funny, ambitious BUT into sci-fi," and this was considered acceptable by her peers. So he liked Star Wars or Firefly...what guy doesn't? Oooo...he's different than your ideal fantasy man. DEALBREAKER!! NEXT!! Who are these women and when did this become the acceptable post-20th century feminist status quo?
Clearly if someone isn't meeting your core value needs, like being a good father or husband, or has a job and desires to provide for you and him...okay, move on to the next one. But don't just turn someone off because they wear a bow-tie (like the author initally does.)
It just goes to show that self-absorption and superficiality will, more often than not, leave you all by your lonesome, ladies. He's not Brad Pitt, but you aren't Angelina either. We all deserved to be loved...so find someone worth loving and trusting who's sincere and ambitious and embraces you, flaws and all as a partner...just as you embrace them. Entitlement to a fantasy is a one-way ticket to cat lady town.
Sometimes sincerity and mutual love and core values make the RELATIONSHIP a 10.
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Seriously? The chops were a total plus on Braden. I'm just saying. But I agree with your assessment: those are stupid, superficial reasons to break up with a dude, and if you're shallow enough to do so, you probably don't deserve a 6. Or what you consider to be a 6, which could be a 10 to someone else.
ReplyDeleteI'm not saying I hated the chops...though I do prefer the full beard better.
ReplyDeleteYou know what.. I've been encountering this attitude a LOT lately from women. It completely perplexes me.
ReplyDeleteI've also been reading a lot about a related phenomenon: The women born somewhere between 1970 and 1990 have been brought up with the idea that we can "have it all", and "can do anything" and that basically the world is waiting for us. A natural response to the feminist movement, certainly, and perhaps better than the concept that we are bound to a menial job (if any) and cooking lessons.. but it fills out expectations so amazingly high, that anything normal seems completely unworthy.
A friend of mine recently lamented that she's nearing 30 and is still boyfriend/husband-less and thus baby-less. She explained the total lack of redheaded men in her area to be the reason, because she's always wanted a little redheaded baby girl. (she is blonde) Would not even consider dating a guy that wasn't redheaded.
I didn't know what to say.