NOTHING WRONG.

So I went to the orthopedist and they gave me x-rays and the doctor looks at me and says...

"There's nothing wrong with you. It seems you suffer from anxiety. I'm going to prescribe you some Xanax."

And I just started laughing. I said nothing, I just opened my mouth and out came one of those dry laughs. Now if you know me or if you read this blog, you'll understand why this is funny. In that I've suffered from anxiety for most of my young adult life, on all sorts of levels. And for a doctor to nonchalantly prescribe anti-anxiety meds as if it will make all my problems go away is kind of darkly hilarious.

To be fair, there's nothing wrong with my spine or muscles. No tumors or anything. But x-rays don't pick up soft tissue so we are still trying to ease that disc back in. It's such a pain. It's taking it's sweet time. I think it's getting better...I can't be sure.

Help, I'm a PT Junkie

So I have this traction machine that puts weights on my neck to help extend the vertebrae and hopefully the disk will slide back into place. I feel it's like something out of the movie "Brazil", a bizarre future machine that solves nothing. I never imagined myself with a painful neck injury and eating ibeprofun like candy (though I don't recommend it.) Of course, I never imagined myself sitting on a couch that I had pushed through a window or being a well-loved acting teacher to all ages or being happily engaged in a small town to someone who didn't want to kill me every other week. But THEN...I never really imagined that either...so life is funny like that. Sometimes it's a crazy dramatic tower of terror. Other times you're just comfortable and cuddled up next to each other on the couch that you pushed through the window together watching dramatic television.

Next week I am meeting with an orthopedist. Everyone keep whispering around me "surgery", but I am really terrified to get surgery on my neck. I mean, I am really such a puss when it comes to surgery anyways. But my neck, yikes, that's such a vulnerable place. So let's all cross our fingers for NO SURGERY and NO TUMORS!

I'm starting to wonder if this blockage is symbolic. Like a blockage in my fight against anxiety and career and what I would like to do. And I know there are things holding me back. And I know there are things I have to settle for. And I just sort of have to reconcile the two. And know that Dancing With The Stars is probably not in my future (but let's just be honest...I could dance circles around The Situation). And know that my husband to be would never be happy with me wanting to move out of state. :( Unless I get a scholarship, or even get in at all. I believe there are two types of people in life: Those who shoot for the moon and reach it and those who have to adapt their lives for whatever shining star they land on. And I...am a shoot for the moon type who is adjusting living on a star. But it's a star all the same. Better than empty space.

A bunch of us are going to the Jon Stewart Rally to Restore Sanity on the 30th. Even though DC conjures up a few painful memories, I love DC in the fall. And Braden loves the Daily Show. And our friends love catching a ride with us. So we'll make it all work. Satirical moderate rally FTW!

Passionella

There's a little known musical of one-acts called The Apple Tree. The acts revolve around stories about relationships between men and women, in a dated 1960s battle of the sexes kind of way that somehow seems nostalgic today. The first act is a fleshed out whimsical version of Adam & Eve, the second a vampy parable about The Lady or The Tiger. The third is an American Cinderella story about a nasally chimney sweeper girl who by the magic of her Fairy Godmother in her television, turns into a beautiful blonde bombshell movie star called Passionella...but it only lasts until 4am when the Late Late Show ends. It's cute, and a fantastic star vehicle.

I was going to play Passionella. But as soon as I gotten the offer and as soon as I let my excitement bubble over and as soon as I had shared the news with my fiance, the show was off. As these things seem to happen, the show fell through. Time, money, and not enough men is always the way the sad performance story goes.

Sigh.