Paralyzed

People say that if you want something hard enough and you dream hard enough you can make it come true. I kind of lived by that philosophy my entire life until the last couple of years. I guess I've never really had the social skills to back it up. Or whatever popularity I had in high school I lost somewhere along the way. And throughout college I became more and more insecure that I pretty much digressed into a person. In addition to having a real abusive romantic relationship, I've realized that college was an abusive relationship.

That's a really difficult thing to write. It's embarrassing. Humiliating. It's like when I admit that to myself, I'm setting myself up for "it's your fault, you deserve it, you just weren't good enough, you were a freak." But at the same time, professors and students, would tell me something different to my face. And I would just kind of fall for it all over again. I feel like I missed out on a lot because I wasn't able to form close relationships with people. All these things happened...some were probably my shyness and oddness and others were just happenstance. I'm sad that I don't have the friends or even acquaintances that a lot of people do. I'm sad that I didn't know how to reach out to people. I'm sad that my anxiety got the best of me back then and made me a pariah and that to this day it still takes over me.

Now I've been balled up on the couch for the past couple of weeks, paralyzed with pain for a lot of different reasons. It's gotten to the point where my body is just attacking me, my neck muscles have completely clinched up. I cry all the time, every day. I don't sleep very well. I can't say that I'm suicidal but there have been days when I stayed in bed all day cause it just made me felt better. I have wanted to disappear off the face of the earth. I watch those Cymbalta commercials that come on late at night and after Oprah and relate to them.

I am really terrified about grad school applications. I'm just having a lot of trouble dealing with that pain and rejection all over again. I'm really scared about getting stomped on all over again. I'm scared to move to New York...I feel like no one would give me the time of day. I want to...I have a fiance with really no wanderlust or city desire in him, which sucks. I wish he was that kind of partner. I really don't want to be confined to these 4 walls and this little crunchy college town my whole life. I know for sure that would kill me. I know that. I've expressed that. I don't know who's in my corner. I don't know if I believe in myself anymore.

And my poor fiance sees all this and doesn't understand and probably never will. It probably seems like ridiculous minutae from his perspective. He's got his own crosses to bare. He's frustrated, annoyed, helpless maybe...a combination of all of them. Depression drives a wedge into relationships.

Anyways, this is my own little corner of the internet, and I guess in this day and age of adulthood and job hunting you probably aren't supposed to talk about this kind of stuff. But I can't afford a therapist and sometimes it's easier to write things out in plain English.

It's the first time in my life where I don't have any direction.