Paralyzed

People say that if you want something hard enough and you dream hard enough you can make it come true. I kind of lived by that philosophy my entire life until the last couple of years. I guess I've never really had the social skills to back it up. Or whatever popularity I had in high school I lost somewhere along the way. And throughout college I became more and more insecure that I pretty much digressed into a person. In addition to having a real abusive romantic relationship, I've realized that college was an abusive relationship.

That's a really difficult thing to write. It's embarrassing. Humiliating. It's like when I admit that to myself, I'm setting myself up for "it's your fault, you deserve it, you just weren't good enough, you were a freak." But at the same time, professors and students, would tell me something different to my face. And I would just kind of fall for it all over again. I feel like I missed out on a lot because I wasn't able to form close relationships with people. All these things happened...some were probably my shyness and oddness and others were just happenstance. I'm sad that I don't have the friends or even acquaintances that a lot of people do. I'm sad that I didn't know how to reach out to people. I'm sad that my anxiety got the best of me back then and made me a pariah and that to this day it still takes over me.

Now I've been balled up on the couch for the past couple of weeks, paralyzed with pain for a lot of different reasons. It's gotten to the point where my body is just attacking me, my neck muscles have completely clinched up. I cry all the time, every day. I don't sleep very well. I can't say that I'm suicidal but there have been days when I stayed in bed all day cause it just made me felt better. I have wanted to disappear off the face of the earth. I watch those Cymbalta commercials that come on late at night and after Oprah and relate to them.

I am really terrified about grad school applications. I'm just having a lot of trouble dealing with that pain and rejection all over again. I'm really scared about getting stomped on all over again. I'm scared to move to New York...I feel like no one would give me the time of day. I want to...I have a fiance with really no wanderlust or city desire in him, which sucks. I wish he was that kind of partner. I really don't want to be confined to these 4 walls and this little crunchy college town my whole life. I know for sure that would kill me. I know that. I've expressed that. I don't know who's in my corner. I don't know if I believe in myself anymore.

And my poor fiance sees all this and doesn't understand and probably never will. It probably seems like ridiculous minutae from his perspective. He's got his own crosses to bare. He's frustrated, annoyed, helpless maybe...a combination of all of them. Depression drives a wedge into relationships.

Anyways, this is my own little corner of the internet, and I guess in this day and age of adulthood and job hunting you probably aren't supposed to talk about this kind of stuff. But I can't afford a therapist and sometimes it's easier to write things out in plain English.

It's the first time in my life where I don't have any direction.

One more day

Another day, another rejection. And a notice from a scam company. The "you pay us $400, you make six figures...!" No. So very fulfilling. It's really hard to get up in the morning. I got up at 9:30am...responded to some emails and phone calls and found myself just wanting to lay down again. Baby steps. Tomorrow I vow to get up and not go to back to bed. I know, I'm such a drama queen, but...

It's really hard. I wish I had something better way of describing it. And it's tearing Braden and I apart. Mostly because of me and my depression.

Right now, in voice, I'm working in "In Uomini, In Soldati" from Cosi Fan Tutte by Mozert. Another one of the delightful maid roles that I so specialize in, Despina.

My performance goal is...have 5 arias prepared and ready to go by June.

I like this...fun, accurate acting. Actually, I like this more than the arias that are all "oh I'm in love. you are the birds and trees and wind. I'm so dramatic, I'm in love."

The Ingenue

Umm...when did I land into the ingenue catagory? Have I been hiding behind this character facade my entire time. Maybe I was just living in this vacuum of 18-23 year old with effortlessly beautiful hair and naturally sunny light demeanors. But now I'm in a much larger pool of people and youth is on my side. And my light sunny voice, which conflicts with my not-so-light and sunny demeanor.

I realized tonight that I don't always feel comfortable in my own body. Rebecca says I always look like I want to fly out of mine. I think that's true...I always want to be someone else, someone more secure, more successful, more wealthy, more at ease.

I am hopelessly depressed in Carrboro. And I feel bad that I'm depressed because we've built a nice household here. It's like I come home and I don't even know where I am or why I'm there. And there are mornings where I don't want to do anything, but then I feel guilty about that.

I want New York so bad but I have no idea how to get there with Braden. In fact, I don't think I'll ever get there with Braden. I have to make this choice, and I guess that's what people do. I know he wouldn't be happy there. I don't even know if he can find a job there...hell, I don't even know what I can do. And I feel like that's wrong, that it's wrong for me to want to move and pursue my masters, when I've been graced with such a wonderful relationship here. And suddenly this blog became about my life and my depression, and I wanted to avoid that, but here we are.

My studio recital is in two weeks. I will be singing "Kommt ein schlanker Bursch gegangen" and "O del mio dolce ardor". My B is still funny when I'm singing German...I don't understand the concept of whistle register and I am out of shape from being so damn busy over Christmas and barely having any time to practice. But it sounded much more polished today I will admit then it did 3 weeks.

I want to relax. I DO. It's hard when you have no money.

As for 2010, I don't know what to do. Rebecca says go to NY. Everyone says that, if I want a career go to NY. And I was going to. Then I fell in love. Was I wrong to stay??

Next post: GOALS. I will make goals for '10. You can't succeed if you don't have goals.