Is La Vie Boheme really all it's cracked up to be?

Being a starving artist is so glamorized...is it really all what the great composers and film makers made it out to be? I don't think it's all that much fun, especially at the moment where I can barely afford groceries and don't feel like much of an artist. And I followed a boy to Carrboro. A boy who could care less about music theatre and lyric sopranos and Astoria and apartments and voice lessons and fighting for an impossible dream in the big city. But someone who fell in love with ME all the same.

I had hoped that when I moved here, I would find full-time work and I could save money. I live rather modestly if I have to...just take voice lessons and piano lessons. But then my $3000 savings dried up and there's still no temp job to be found. And at this point, I'm just floundering. I can no longer afford piano lessons (or even a PIANO...I learn on a little Yamaha keyboard and sneak on to pianos where ever I am.) or voice lessons. And all the professionals in my life keep telling me to move. And I knew, I KNEW from the minute I met Braden that he could never coexist with my dreams. Despite the fact that he romanticized following me somewhere. From the minute I saw this man build things out of junk in our backyard,  I realized "Okay...maybe if I want to be with him, I need to find a way to work around this New York, big city actor-singer thing."

I don't have a job there. I'm not the kind of person that can just up and move to somewhere like that. Not in this climate. I don't trust myself or the world. I've had the following fantasy proposals: a) get into grad school at Manhattan School of Music and b) get decent job and move there. But I can't even get a job here...

I had a major blow today. I was considered for an fantastic opportunity at an IT staffing firm in Raleigh as an account manager. The money was good, the job appealing and flexible with growth and promotion opportunities. And it didn't happen. I don't know why I get my hopes for shit like that. It makes me feel like I'm a fucking performing arts failure and now I can't even find a good job to support myself. I know that's drudging the bottom of the barrel, but that's my gut reaction.

But we're just gonna have to figure it out.

The Ingenue

Umm...when did I land into the ingenue catagory? Have I been hiding behind this character facade my entire time. Maybe I was just living in this vacuum of 18-23 year old with effortlessly beautiful hair and naturally sunny light demeanors. But now I'm in a much larger pool of people and youth is on my side. And my light sunny voice, which conflicts with my not-so-light and sunny demeanor.

I realized tonight that I don't always feel comfortable in my own body. Rebecca says I always look like I want to fly out of mine. I think that's true...I always want to be someone else, someone more secure, more successful, more wealthy, more at ease.

I am hopelessly depressed in Carrboro. And I feel bad that I'm depressed because we've built a nice household here. It's like I come home and I don't even know where I am or why I'm there. And there are mornings where I don't want to do anything, but then I feel guilty about that.

I want New York so bad but I have no idea how to get there with Braden. In fact, I don't think I'll ever get there with Braden. I have to make this choice, and I guess that's what people do. I know he wouldn't be happy there. I don't even know if he can find a job there...hell, I don't even know what I can do. And I feel like that's wrong, that it's wrong for me to want to move and pursue my masters, when I've been graced with such a wonderful relationship here. And suddenly this blog became about my life and my depression, and I wanted to avoid that, but here we are.

My studio recital is in two weeks. I will be singing "Kommt ein schlanker Bursch gegangen" and "O del mio dolce ardor". My B is still funny when I'm singing German...I don't understand the concept of whistle register and I am out of shape from being so damn busy over Christmas and barely having any time to practice. But it sounded much more polished today I will admit then it did 3 weeks.

I want to relax. I DO. It's hard when you have no money.

As for 2010, I don't know what to do. Rebecca says go to NY. Everyone says that, if I want a career go to NY. And I was going to. Then I fell in love. Was I wrong to stay??

Next post: GOALS. I will make goals for '10. You can't succeed if you don't have goals.