What me worry?

Why are you so anxious?

Ah. Well that's really the billion dollar question, isn't it? Today it was asked by a very cool gentleman who runs a Thai kickboxing gym, from a new account I opened for my new sales job (more on that later).

If you're an actress, shouldn't you be relaxed?

Oh, I wish. I ask myself all the time why I'm this way. Why can't I just relax and be like everyone else? Is it genetic? Am I supposed to be so tightly wound because DNA makes me that way? Is because I always hold myself up to the highest standards? I want to succeed so badly in everything I pursue...is it that drive for life and success that make me soar into a tailspin? I don't want to be anxious. In my heart of hearts, I want to interact with people like I interact with Braden and not be on edge. I don't want to be the odd, shy girl that I was in college, which was a stereotype until I graduated.

Fear of failure? Fear of loneliness? Fear of...WHAT?!?!

So these are the cards I'm dealt. Every day I deal with it.

Voice lessons were MUCH better this week. I felt like I wasn't fighting the exercises for once. Everything just started to come in bits and pieces. The height, the roundness of the vowels, the Italian diction, even the dreaded whistle register. I am going to have to practice my butt off this week and make myself be diligent. It has been hard when I've been waking up at 6:30am and focusing on my new job as Field Rep.

Last weekend, Rebecca gave me all this stern advice about what I have to do to get into grad school and how I am sort of at a disadvantage being away from the opera world in NC. It's true...there aren't as many classical opportunities here. And despite the fact that I keep having good auditions, I can't seem to land a role. (Does my personal anxiety factor into all this?? I don't know!) She suggested I go to a summer program, but those cost money and I just can't get up and leave. And how grad school in New York would be simply paying for lessons, coaching and rent. And that's all I'd be doing. And it wouldn't be glamorous and it would be hard and OF COURSE I KNOW THAT. It's hard enough working full-time here. And I have Braden. And being with here with Braden, having him as my support system, is SO important to me.

I went to Memphis for UPTA, the big professional auditions. I sang and did my monologue fine. I did not get a single callback. It's not like I cried or anything, but I can tell you that being the only one in the shuttle riding from the callback space to the theater in the pouring cold rain is a pretty shitty feeling. 

BUT, there's more: they  grade the auditioners. If companies think they are not professional and talented enough to attend, they can be flagged and asked not to come back. I did NOT get flagged. So basically I am professional and talented...but no one wants to hire me. It's a real mindfuck. All sorts of things go through my head; "Is it my weight? My song? My hair? My voice? My speaking voice? My reputation?" Yes it's a lot of people saying NO, but at the end of the day, I just had to fly home and continue my job here. No running off around the country for some theater career.

As for opera, I am loving "In Uomini...", more so than "Kommt". I keep watching that video and noticing all my mistakes. God, I was so under-rehearsed. It makes me mad. I've always had trouble watching myself and at least now I know to practice more more MORE. I know I was decent, but I should have been better. I know, still too hard on myself.

So all these feelings and advantages and disadvantages seem to weave their way into my job as an office supply sales rep. I don't want to say too much because I don't want to get fired. HA. It's challenging, to say the least. It's nearly all on commission and you have to work your ass off to earn that salary position. And it's all numbers...sometimes I can work all day and not make a sale and I feel like shit. Because it's not based on merit, it's based on $$$. There are other days where it feels like a breeze. But my drive and work ethic from theater work to my advantage...and unfortunately cold calling certainly plays on my anxiety disadvantage. 

I'm learning to accept life for what it is; not a roadmap to a dream...but a journey. The journey is so cyclical and intertwined

One more day

Another day, another rejection. And a notice from a scam company. The "you pay us $400, you make six figures...!" No. So very fulfilling. It's really hard to get up in the morning. I got up at 9:30am...responded to some emails and phone calls and found myself just wanting to lay down again. Baby steps. Tomorrow I vow to get up and not go to back to bed. I know, I'm such a drama queen, but...

It's really hard. I wish I had something better way of describing it. And it's tearing Braden and I apart. Mostly because of me and my depression.

Right now, in voice, I'm working in "In Uomini, In Soldati" from Cosi Fan Tutte by Mozert. Another one of the delightful maid roles that I so specialize in, Despina.

My performance goal is...have 5 arias prepared and ready to go by June.

I like this...fun, accurate acting. Actually, I like this more than the arias that are all "oh I'm in love. you are the birds and trees and wind. I'm so dramatic, I'm in love."

The Ingenue

Umm...when did I land into the ingenue catagory? Have I been hiding behind this character facade my entire time. Maybe I was just living in this vacuum of 18-23 year old with effortlessly beautiful hair and naturally sunny light demeanors. But now I'm in a much larger pool of people and youth is on my side. And my light sunny voice, which conflicts with my not-so-light and sunny demeanor.

I realized tonight that I don't always feel comfortable in my own body. Rebecca says I always look like I want to fly out of mine. I think that's true...I always want to be someone else, someone more secure, more successful, more wealthy, more at ease.

I am hopelessly depressed in Carrboro. And I feel bad that I'm depressed because we've built a nice household here. It's like I come home and I don't even know where I am or why I'm there. And there are mornings where I don't want to do anything, but then I feel guilty about that.

I want New York so bad but I have no idea how to get there with Braden. In fact, I don't think I'll ever get there with Braden. I have to make this choice, and I guess that's what people do. I know he wouldn't be happy there. I don't even know if he can find a job there...hell, I don't even know what I can do. And I feel like that's wrong, that it's wrong for me to want to move and pursue my masters, when I've been graced with such a wonderful relationship here. And suddenly this blog became about my life and my depression, and I wanted to avoid that, but here we are.

My studio recital is in two weeks. I will be singing "Kommt ein schlanker Bursch gegangen" and "O del mio dolce ardor". My B is still funny when I'm singing German...I don't understand the concept of whistle register and I am out of shape from being so damn busy over Christmas and barely having any time to practice. But it sounded much more polished today I will admit then it did 3 weeks.

I want to relax. I DO. It's hard when you have no money.

As for 2010, I don't know what to do. Rebecca says go to NY. Everyone says that, if I want a career go to NY. And I was going to. Then I fell in love. Was I wrong to stay??

Next post: GOALS. I will make goals for '10. You can't succeed if you don't have goals.

Fach me? Fach you!

In operatic repertoire, there isn't just one kind of soprano. There are many different kinds, depending on range, agility, color. Not every opera singer is the big booming Valkyrie kind. It usually takes a while for a voice to settle into a fach that they specialize in...for me I'm settling into "soubrette". It's a light, bright, and sweet and according to Wikipedia, "largely flirtatious and somewhat tweety". Soubrettes are almost always maids or flirty best friends of the main dramatic or lyric soprano.

Which really shouldn't be all that surprising considered I'm spent most of my acting career playing best friends and chambermaids (exhibit A: A Christmas Carol.)

My new voice lessons are more challenging than my high school ones...it's not just that Rebecca constantly throws new exercises and techniques at me. One of my weaknesses is that when I focus, I get tense in my face. Brow, jaw...all of these very bad habits for a singer. But how do you juggle all the things you are supposed to think about...spine on top of the pelvis, not jetting the chin out, lift the sternum up, relax the face. So much to think about, and yet you can't think about any of it. I am noticing changes though...and I've only been with Rebecca for about 3 months. The music comes easier and faster then it did 3 months ago...

Right now I am working on "Kommt ein schlanker Bursch gegangen" from Der Freischütz by Carl Maria Von Weber. It is the character of Annchen. It's about a marksman match in the mythic German woods. Very Robin Hood. And it has a lot of German words. I don't understand how Germans talk...it's like filling your mouth with marshmellows. So many consonents, glottal ones too...I am thinking about investing in Rosetta Stone for German.

Here is a video from a production. Couldn't find any outstandingly famous sopranos singing it...mostly because not a lot of soubrettes are acclaimed and Der Freischütz isn't done very often...

and this because it is soooo incredibly odd. Gotta love the Germans. (but I don't particularly like her diction and she's not very legato...)