Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a special holiday for me. It's my favorite holiday. I think despite the fact that there is need to get food on the table, there is a certain mindset of relaxation that the holiday requires. The food is comforting and you can hang out with family and laugh and debate and tell stories. Something about the coming together and sharing a meal and minds makes me very happy. I come from a boisterous family. From the minute you walk in, it's a bombardment of Southern hospitality and interview session. Poor Braden, the first time he met everyone on Thanksgiving, I know he was overwhelmed. Everyone wanted to know his life story, how he felt about me and whether he'd like another piece of pie.

We all like to talk and we all like to be heard. All at the same time. It can be exhausting. We had a mass 10-person discussion about the merits of dumpster diving for produce, spearheaded by my deeply spiritual granola maid-of-honor and closest confidante cousin Happi, who gets the majority of her fruit at midnight from the Ingles dumpster (her reasoning - it's a good social time and you are saving wasted food.) My father, the Grand Debater, parried every argument. As for me, I made a joke about needing "a talking stick" to talk over everyone (and personally, I'm pretty sure the feminine hygiene trash goes in the dumpster and I don't want my fruit near THAT.)

We like to play games. I brought over Wits and Wagers, which is like Trivia Pursuit meets Price is Right and we all got way into it. I love when the entire family plays together, especially when I'm the one introducing the game.

I'm the oldest of the grandchildren...soon to just be children, since my grandmother is 86-years old and not in the best health. Actually I did get to spend time with her at lunch the day before Thanksgiving and she's very excited about me getting married, in her loopy happy way. I'm happy being the oldest, but for a while it felt like it was a disconnect. Now that the "kid table" is in high school, college or out on their own, I don't feel so lonely anymore. When I was in my teens, I always wanted to sit at the adult table and hear their conversations. They always seemed more interesting. Braden and I are the only committed couple, both at my family's house and his. I'm going to be the first to get married, and I suspect we will be the first to have kids. It will be nice when some of the other cousins start bringing around their significant others, new outsiders to bring in to the mold.

Everyone's coming into their own. Happi plays guitar with such a folky serenity, Dhugie is a fantastic wakeboarder and snowboarder, Mimi has a snarky charisma that can't be denied and Charlie is witty, smart with languages and full of personality. Caroline is sweet and introspective, Maggie's beautiful and popular and her twin brother Will has a nerdy side but is embracing high school theatre (which the fam was so excited to tell me about). And I love them all. I was sort of overwhelmed at how awesome my family is.

And then, I almost started crying because I didn't feel so awesome. I didn't mean to get emotional and anxious. I don't think anyone noticed, except my dad and Braden (and who else other than the two men in my life to notice my insecurities?) I made my recording and I wanted to share it, but at the same time I was ashamed. I have been pouring my money, my time, my life into this...forever. And I listened to it in my aunt's study during a down moment, and I don't know if I am overly self-critical or what but I heard fear in the recording. It sounded really beautiful but I heard my trepidation in my voice. And it just made me well up a little.

And then on the ride home, Braden, who couldn't care less about classical music, played it on the ride home. "I want to listen to it." And that's why I love him.

I wanted to share it, but we didn't have an auxiliary cord and I had forgotten to burn it to a CD. And everyone was hyper, so it wasn't really the space for an opera recording audience. But I got overly sensitive because I've been under so much stress and got a little testy with Dad. He started asking me about money and work and I just got embarrassed and bit my lip out of frustration. And he knew about all my money problems and I couldn't hide it anymore.

I haven't been sleeping well in months. And part of that is my neck injury and part of that is my frequent unemployment. The steroid didn't fix anything, which the doctor's warned me about. All it did was make me unfocused and wreck my vocal cords for the week. So now this means I am getting an MRI. Thank goodness for health insurance. I want to know so badly what's wrong with me because I can't go through life constantly medicated and sedated and feeling discomfort in my neck of all places. It's so hard because it seems to affect everything I do. Singing, exercise, driving, even lying down. I was on the couch and Braden came over to plant a heavy kiss on my cheek and it pressed my neck and the disc spasmed so severely. I swore from the pain. From a kiss. I hurt from a kiss. My fiance can't kiss me or embrace me sometimes without me hurting. I hate that. I want to get better. The past week when I've been onstage, I've been feeling nauseous and unbalanced and every once in a while my neck pain pulls me out of the moment, and I hate that too. It's like my brain is weighing down on me and I just can't be relaxed onstage like I used to. I want to talk to someone about it, but I don't want anyone to think that I'm whining or complaining or less professional than I am.

I feel like this injury puts just one more forcefield around me, when I'm already a type of person who tends to put walls when I'm under stress. I can't keep closing myself off. But I do. I barely make money for rent, I don't have much a full-time job and I just have trouble reaching out to people when I have no money or outlet. When I went to visit Happi in Boone, she confessed that she spent most of last year in solidarity for similar reasons so it's good to know I am not alone.

I just sent in application for Mannes in NYC. I know that they say that when you change your location, you don't necessarily change your state of mind. But I feel stuck here. I have made that clear several times. I am just praying that graduate school in a new location will be a window to a healthier mindset.

Wow, I really have a lot brewing inside me. The truth is, if you couldn't tell, my mind is kind of a muddled mess. It's a rough patch and I put so much pressure on myself but I want to know that things will okay one of these days and I'll find some career stability and social stability and I just keep believing in God and that He will point me in the right direction, as terrified as I may be.

So I got a little off topic. Thanksgiving. Even though I don't host Thanksgiving, it's my way of showing gratitude by bringing a dish or two. I tried my hand at baking and made an incredibly decadent pumpkin cheesecake for my family which everyone was thankful for. And I made some butternut squash and green bean casserole from scratch, for the Leonard family (and I will be a Leonard soon enough) because I find there are never enough veggies on the Thanksgiving table and those were well received as well. So through all these fears and anxieties, here is what I am thankful for:

- My fiance Braden, who always shows such love and sincerity, no matter what the situation. He takes care of me without being patronizing, plans for the future, embraces my good qualities and overlooks the bad ones and believes in me and us and that we can get through this rough patch together.
- My parents, who believe that love, family and God are the most important things in life. They love me enough to hug when I'm down, but not coddle me like a child. They are encouraging without being enabling, helpful and want me to the best person I can be. They also love each after 30 years of being together and have shown me what a happy marriage is and I am grateful that.
- My extended family, all of whom are vibrant and full of life and joy. They make me laugh, they make me think and no matter what, they make me feel welcome when I am around. Even if it's a brief sit-down over tea, they always make time for me. I am appreciative to have such loving cousins, aunts and uncles.
- A roof over my head and enough money to be able to provide meals for myself every day.
- My country, where I am free to express myself as a woman, where I can freely pursue my art and career without persecution.
- My friends all over the world, who let me know they remember me when I need it most.
- My health, and the ability to live and breathe another day.