Being a Boomlette

Popular culture has a rough time coming up with a cohesive name for the current young adult generation. Gen Y and Millinikids never really stuck, so I'm hoping "Boomlette" aka Baby Boomer spawn will catch on. I can't really take credit for this term: my dad came up with it.

We were the first generation to fully take advantage of the internet and for most of us, it's become the primary way of communicating. We pioneered email, IMing, blogs and facebook.

Our movies, music, and television reach us by Netflix, iPods, and DVRs (and for many of us, just the internet.)

Our hovercraft parents escorted us to sports practices, music lessons and host of other activities to get us into 4 year colleges and the majority of us receive our diplomas right in the heat of the worst. recession. ever. Which means many of us overachievers can't find jobs (myself included).

The Baby Boomers were all about idealism and peace and love, all while fighting the system. Generation X was about how greed is a good thing and that a whole lotta cutthroat work ethic would get you the summer house, fancy car and the latest iphone, all by the time you were 30.

So where are we now? What about the Boomlettes (Baby Boomer offspring)? We were raised with the work ethic of Xers and hovercraft Boomer parents who wanted us to thrive and suddenly our economy went, pun intended, boom and I don't know about the rest of you, but now I have NO IDEA what we're supposed to accomplish, since many of us can barely break through the front door.

Now I've been a person who's just simply wanted to be a pursuer of the arts. Sing some opera, write a memoir, play piano, learn a language or two, cook the perfect gourmet dinner. I would have made a swell Victorian noble, or bohemian, depending on which side of the economic pendulum I landed on. I have always lived under the mantra that one should always be learning. I am pretty sure that if had I the time and one of JK Rowling's little time-traveler hourglass necklaces, I would have 5 bachelor's degrees (but the performing arts one is the one I wanted the mostess, so I went with that.) I think that's why my time studying abroad in Florence was so happy. An entire school devoted to teaching those language, music, cooking and art! Oh it was like a haven for me! With an unlimited bank account, I could have lived there FOREVER.


It should be noted that I studied in Florence in Fall of 2008. I was living in a dreamland of opera and art history, while the US was going through the worst recession in recent history. When I left, gas was 2.79 in central NC and the election was starting to pick up on all cylinders. When I returned, we had a new president and gas was 1.45 and everyone's life seemed to be shattered in someway. And I'm starting to think that, despite current economic circumstances, I should still live my life by pursuing knowledge and the arts.


But we all have to find a way to eat and pay bills. I think we're supposed to combine the two philosophies of Boomers and Xers. Do what we love, not what we're "supposed" to do to be "successful" and find a way to live off it. That's all I really want.



Oh and in case you're wondering...If I had five majors...they would be the following:


Theatre (check)


Vocal Performance


Media Communications


Italian Language

Psychology


Apparently you can make money with ads on your blogs. And considering I am without income as of this week, this is appealing. I'm not telling you to click those ads. But thanks for visiting. :)

When I walk down the street...

Being born 6 weeks early, I've always assumed that in a parallel universe, I was destined for other things. I'm pretty sure I would make a stellar Victorian bohemian, just moping around in some European city with a big hat citing pompous lines about impressionism and Oscar Wilde and imperialism while wearing a rather large chapeau. I should be wearing a big hat. It balances out the hips, creating a desirable silouette. The black church ladies get this. I would be singing in the streets (I really don't know what's stopping me from doing that...it's Carrboro, after all.) And hopefully finding a promising suitor who could also be a benefactor.

But then there wouldn't be blogs and I wouldn't have L & O: SVU as background noise on at 2am while I lie awake thinking how I'm going to pay this months rent. Which I suppose doesn't make me all that different from the 19th century Paris riffraff. And Braden, while not much of a benefactor (he did buy me a new vacuum cleaner though, so who's to say...) is a very fine fiance.

I will, if the stars align, be working again soon...! I had an interview today for an acting and muscial theatre teacher at a dance school in Durham. I would be teaching middle schoolers theatre games and scene study and coaching high schoolers on their monologues and song selections. WHICH is EXACTLY what I WANT to do. So that's exciting. The bad news is it's only once a week but the good news is it's the teaching job I want, and is definitely solid padding for the resume and grad school.

Here's the funny thing. I ended up pimping some references I know in the area who will remain unnamed here (other recent theatre graduates in the area with better jobs than I). So I basically almost got someone else hired for the job during my interview. But I have two weeks to come up with a curriculum and prove I'm not a crazy person. Time to pull out the ole' rolodex of teacher friends

In the meantime, still looking for full time day job that doesn't require a car. Mostly I just stay at home and clean like the good house-fiancee I am, and sing repertoire and play piano. Today I was inspired by Rodgers and Hammerstein and started singing Mister Snow from Carousel. And started crying at the part where she talks about getting married and how happy she is. I have a history of crying during singing but this one is little different. After reading the lyrics, I feel a very deep connection to this song that I didn't know I had. I'm pretty sure there's a study between emotions and hitting certain notes which means you're more likely to choke up while singing. It happens to me fairly frequently. I'll start singing and I'll get to a point in the song and start crying and lose the connection. Not because it sounds bad but because it suddenly becomes rooted in me. And singing is a vulnerable activity.

But Mister Snow really does emulate my love for Braden: down to earth, honest, traditional and real.

Vampire Virgins - my first foray into the Twilight films

I love my pop culture phenoms. I attended the last two Harry Potter midnight book releases. I dressed up for the Sex and the City finale and movie. But over the course of the last years, Twilight has completely passed me by. 

First and foremost, I don't understand the appeal of vampires. There's nothing sexy to me about falling in love with someone who has the capacity to kill you during your makeout sessions, as well as bring you into the clan of the undead. I never watched Buffy and found myself staring into space when my 6th grade French class swooned over Angel. And while "Hung" and "Mad Men" are always on my DVR, I've passed over "True Blood" (probably the only acclaimed cable drama I haven't given a chance.)

So the best chance of me watching the Twilight movies would be on a hungover Sunday afternoon sometime in the future, too lazy to change the channel. But I saw the Big 3 (Rob, Kristin, & Taylor aka "whats-his-abs") on Oprah a few days ago. Robert Pattinson showed off his dry British humor and Taylor Lautner won me over with his winning smile (also: ABS). The tiniest piece of me was intrigued...could I get on the Twi-hard train?

More proof that I was destined to watch these movies: my fiance had entertained renting them on Netflix too. Thank goodness for the internet. Instant gratification for our vampire curiousity! The titular Twilight starts out like many teen films; protagonist moves to new town and struggles to fit in. Bella is morose and moody and longing for...something. On her first day at school, she's POPULAR and all the kids want to get to know her and be her friend. Hold the phone, when does that happen in real life? The last time I checked, teenagers who sulk and pout are not the center of attention in the cafeteria. I should know. I was an awkward drama kid, and yes, I did become prom queen...er, sigh, moving on. Maybe someone should make a movie of my life?

Okay, so this is pretty much the first third of the movie. Edward looks at Bella longingly and lustfully, with a little bit of distain thrown in. She, like all young girls, continue to go after the guy that keeps pushing them away. We all want the one who makes us feel bad, don't we ladies? Their exchanges go something like this "I want you." "You can't have me." "I must have you." "No, I'm going to stare dreamily at you until you go away." It also must be noted that all their exchanges stay at the same low intensity level. I kept waiting for someone to raise their voice or pitch as they reacted to each other. Like regular conversation. The more you interact the more intense it gets...not in Twilight, folks. They pretty much read the lines as if they're reading a script cold for the first time. Flatlined conversation. Part of the problem is Rob's American accent. It's as if he's trying SOHARD to get our flat vowels correct that he's completely thrown emotion out the window. My acting professor from college would be so displeased.

So at this point in the movie, I really don't get it. This turns the teenage girls on? A pale faced pretty boy with no personality? For that matter, are 2010 teenage girls like Bella - outwardly morose and wanting to escape high school and present life by turning into a vampire? Maybe it's a sign of the times. The recession is still in full force, gas prices are high and a lot of us still don't have health insurance. Remember our late 90s teen movies (She's All That and 10 Things I Hate About You come to mind) - they were so optimistic about how awesome our lives were going to be, but in the meantime let's find the mate of our dreams and get laid. Now, those teenagers had FUN. Not in the Twi-era. Moody alternative music underscores our desire for a fantasyland and a mate that really is a fantasy creation.

After he tells her his secret "HEY BABE I'M A VAMPIRE AND I WANT TO BITE YOU SO HARD," the movie picks up its pace a little bit. We meet his vampire family (hey it's Dr. Coop from "Nurse Jackie"! Nice ascot.) We get some vampy battle scenes, he saves her life and in the end, Edward and Bella go to the prom. So the message I'm getting: we're all damsels in distress who want to be saved, and that savoir better escort us to the big dance.

So Braden and I made fun of it throughout the whole movie. But we never wanted to turn it off and as soon as it was over I asked him, "Wanna get the next one?" He immediately responded. "Yes, let's watch it right now." So despite the fact that it's sappy and wooden, there's no denying that there's something inexplictably enthralling about those vampires.

I'll spare you my review of New Moon, but let's just say the drama knob goes to 11. There's no condensing Bella's depression. We get montages accompianed by gloomy alternative bands. We get 360 degree angles of her crying in her bedroom. Edward Cullen has left the building and this allows Taylor Lautner to take center stage with an engaging performance (also: werewolf abs).

Jacob as a character is wittier, manlier and much more charismatic. Even though he's doomed with the same drippy romantic dialogue, his delivery is more convincing than his vampire counterpart. Braden is on board with Team Jacob immediately. "I don't understand why Bella doesn't go for Jacob. He has a personality and is more practical." Not surprising that my DIY fiance would relate to the motorcycle fixing werewolf. Bella spends most of the movie with Jacob and he begins to fall for her, despite the fact that she still pines for Edward. "Stop toying with his emotions, Bella!" the fiance proclaims. Edward returns at some point (I don't remember why) and the vampire-werewolf smackdown begins. The brooding pretty boy vs. the charismatic everyman. And they both want the girl! They both want to save her. It's a crisis every girl dreams of. Right? But in the end, Bella wants the one that can make her immortal so they can be together. 4ever. So Edward ends the film by proposing to her. Now that's an eternity promise, kids!

After watching the two films, I still don't have vampire lust. Which makes sense considered I'm engaged to a Jacob: practical, handy and endearingly romantic. As for the werewolf abs, well, we're working towards it.

Shame on me. PAZZO!

I know I have not written in long time...longer than I can remember. There is a big part of me that doesn't like writing about my failures. I've recently discovered that I suffer many symptoms of Avoidance Disorder. Which is a hypersensitivity to criticism and rejection, self-imposed social isolation and extreme social anxiety in groups (yet a strong desire for close relationships). That's pretty much me all over. I was reading about it in Braden's textbook today. I keep looking for clues about eye contact and self-confidence and I think I am coming closer to figuring out the puzzle.

In any case, I think I may have been avoiding this blog for those reasons. Shame for becoming a sellout? Shame for not being as successful in my singing and acting as my peers?

It's not like I haven't been doing shows. I did Dearly Departed and South Pacific in April and May...pretty much 10 weeks straight. And then every thing just stopped. I have been auditioning here and there. And I had some good auditions...but nothing really happened. But really my heart hasn't been in it recently. There has been so much going on.

My field representative job takes up about 90% of my energy and I just can't devote the time to preparing auditions like I used to. But I still take voice lessons. I had a recital at the end of May. I got the final slot. It was an honor. Right now I'm still preparing audition pieces. It's exciting - Rebecca, my voice teacher is excited for me! I'm excited for me. I'm about to embark on a wonderful life adventure and I'm not doing it alone...

...Braden and I got engaged. It was very romantic. He proposed at dusk on Cumberland Island after we had gone for a swim after a 6 mile hike. And then wild horses came out to greet us. A good omen, I presume. And we have a wedding venue and a date MAY 21st 2011! We are getting married at the historical Horace Williams house in Chapel Hill. It just fits considering we are Chapel Hill natives and we love this town. Our color scheme is red and black. Actually wedding planning has become a lot more fun now that we have some concrete details set in stone.

So I'm going to be a wife. And it's to a man I love who keeps me sane and makes me smile and every day I adore coming home to him. He wants a family and a house and wife and I want to be that for him.

Dormire!!

I just have to say that while fulfilling and prosperous...my job is really exhausting. This whole wake up at 6am get home at 7pm or later thing is KILLING ME. And my voice. I barely have the energy to sing above the staff, so I usually just mark. How I'm ever going to master "Glitter and be Gay" on this schedule is beyond me.

Make money to make time for the things you love...

In the meantime, the great mezzo, Cecilia Bartoli as Despina.

What me worry?

Why are you so anxious?

Ah. Well that's really the billion dollar question, isn't it? Today it was asked by a very cool gentleman who runs a Thai kickboxing gym, from a new account I opened for my new sales job (more on that later).

If you're an actress, shouldn't you be relaxed?

Oh, I wish. I ask myself all the time why I'm this way. Why can't I just relax and be like everyone else? Is it genetic? Am I supposed to be so tightly wound because DNA makes me that way? Is because I always hold myself up to the highest standards? I want to succeed so badly in everything I pursue...is it that drive for life and success that make me soar into a tailspin? I don't want to be anxious. In my heart of hearts, I want to interact with people like I interact with Braden and not be on edge. I don't want to be the odd, shy girl that I was in college, which was a stereotype until I graduated.

Fear of failure? Fear of loneliness? Fear of...WHAT?!?!

So these are the cards I'm dealt. Every day I deal with it.

Voice lessons were MUCH better this week. I felt like I wasn't fighting the exercises for once. Everything just started to come in bits and pieces. The height, the roundness of the vowels, the Italian diction, even the dreaded whistle register. I am going to have to practice my butt off this week and make myself be diligent. It has been hard when I've been waking up at 6:30am and focusing on my new job as Field Rep.

Last weekend, Rebecca gave me all this stern advice about what I have to do to get into grad school and how I am sort of at a disadvantage being away from the opera world in NC. It's true...there aren't as many classical opportunities here. And despite the fact that I keep having good auditions, I can't seem to land a role. (Does my personal anxiety factor into all this?? I don't know!) She suggested I go to a summer program, but those cost money and I just can't get up and leave. And how grad school in New York would be simply paying for lessons, coaching and rent. And that's all I'd be doing. And it wouldn't be glamorous and it would be hard and OF COURSE I KNOW THAT. It's hard enough working full-time here. And I have Braden. And being with here with Braden, having him as my support system, is SO important to me.

I went to Memphis for UPTA, the big professional auditions. I sang and did my monologue fine. I did not get a single callback. It's not like I cried or anything, but I can tell you that being the only one in the shuttle riding from the callback space to the theater in the pouring cold rain is a pretty shitty feeling. 

BUT, there's more: they  grade the auditioners. If companies think they are not professional and talented enough to attend, they can be flagged and asked not to come back. I did NOT get flagged. So basically I am professional and talented...but no one wants to hire me. It's a real mindfuck. All sorts of things go through my head; "Is it my weight? My song? My hair? My voice? My speaking voice? My reputation?" Yes it's a lot of people saying NO, but at the end of the day, I just had to fly home and continue my job here. No running off around the country for some theater career.

As for opera, I am loving "In Uomini...", more so than "Kommt". I keep watching that video and noticing all my mistakes. God, I was so under-rehearsed. It makes me mad. I've always had trouble watching myself and at least now I know to practice more more MORE. I know I was decent, but I should have been better. I know, still too hard on myself.

So all these feelings and advantages and disadvantages seem to weave their way into my job as an office supply sales rep. I don't want to say too much because I don't want to get fired. HA. It's challenging, to say the least. It's nearly all on commission and you have to work your ass off to earn that salary position. And it's all numbers...sometimes I can work all day and not make a sale and I feel like shit. Because it's not based on merit, it's based on $$$. There are other days where it feels like a breeze. But my drive and work ethic from theater work to my advantage...and unfortunately cold calling certainly plays on my anxiety disadvantage. 

I'm learning to accept life for what it is; not a roadmap to a dream...but a journey. The journey is so cyclical and intertwined

Marry Him -- because you love him and he's worth it!!

http://www.newsweek.com/id/233381

There's a book out that I read on the plane back from Memphis called "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough" by Lori Gottlieb. Basically the synopsis is as follows:

"Expanding on her 2008 Atlantic essay , Gottlieb, a 42-year-old mother who's never been married, says that young women today—herself a prime example—are too willing to give up a guy who's an 8 in search of a 10, only to find themselves middle-aged, alone, and no longer able to attract even a 6. Better, she argues, to settle for the kind, loyal guy with some flaws when you're still young enough to snag 'em."


In the book, Ms. Gottlieb goes on to whine about how at 41, single with a sperm-donor child, she has yet to find a husband and so do so many other "perfectionist" women. Excuse me, but when was the ultimate goal to find someone with movie star looks, a Plantinum credit card who will constantly dote on us financially, emotionally and sexually? Aren't you supposed to find someone that...um, LOVES YOU? 

So she goes on to interview women that have dumped various men because they were "not into the exact same interests" or "wasn't that fashionable", "had facial hair". So accepting these things about someone who cares about you and loves you is SETTLING? Because he's not a clone of Brad Pitt...it's settling? I understand that as single women who have been dumped or dumped in the past, we often make lists on what we want in a partner, aka "shopping at the Husband Store". I made a list. There are 20 "wants". Lucky for me, Braden fits 18 of them. But as many as you know, Braden is completely ideologically and aesthetically different than me in SO MANY ways. Had I had written him off due to his ever growing collection of computer parts, raw building materials and flea market-meets-junkyard decor...or his interesting (when we first started dating, his VERY UNIQUE) facial hair, well I would have missed out on the most sincere, loving, giving man I have ever met.

And it goes both ways: he could have just have easily shunned me for my creative lifestyle or the fact that I leave cabinets open all over the house. I KNOW I'm not perfect...sure Hotornot rates me an 8.2 (whoo!) but does that give me the right to dump a guy because he doesn't have an Ivy League degree or a million facebook friends (answer: no.)

A passage that grates on me the most was that in her 20s the author dumped a guy who was "cute, funny, ambitious BUT into sci-fi," and this was considered acceptable by her peers. So he liked Star Wars or Firefly...what guy doesn't? Oooo...he's different than your ideal fantasy man. DEALBREAKER!! NEXT!! Who are these women and when did this become the acceptable post-20th century feminist status quo?

Clearly if someone isn't meeting your core value needs, like being a good father or husband, or has a job and desires to provide for you and him...okay, move on to the next one. But don't just turn someone off because they wear a bow-tie (like the author initally does.)

It just goes to show that self-absorption and superficiality will, more often than not, leave you all by your lonesome, ladies. He's not Brad Pitt, but you aren't Angelina either. We all deserved to be loved...so find someone worth loving and trusting who's sincere and ambitious and embraces you, flaws and all as a partner...just as you embrace them. Entitlement to a fantasy is a one-way ticket to cat lady town.

Sometimes sincerity and mutual love and core values make the RELATIONSHIP a 10.