Shame on me. PAZZO!

I know I have not written in long time...longer than I can remember. There is a big part of me that doesn't like writing about my failures. I've recently discovered that I suffer many symptoms of Avoidance Disorder. Which is a hypersensitivity to criticism and rejection, self-imposed social isolation and extreme social anxiety in groups (yet a strong desire for close relationships). That's pretty much me all over. I was reading about it in Braden's textbook today. I keep looking for clues about eye contact and self-confidence and I think I am coming closer to figuring out the puzzle.

In any case, I think I may have been avoiding this blog for those reasons. Shame for becoming a sellout? Shame for not being as successful in my singing and acting as my peers?

It's not like I haven't been doing shows. I did Dearly Departed and South Pacific in April and May...pretty much 10 weeks straight. And then every thing just stopped. I have been auditioning here and there. And I had some good auditions...but nothing really happened. But really my heart hasn't been in it recently. There has been so much going on.

My field representative job takes up about 90% of my energy and I just can't devote the time to preparing auditions like I used to. But I still take voice lessons. I had a recital at the end of May. I got the final slot. It was an honor. Right now I'm still preparing audition pieces. It's exciting - Rebecca, my voice teacher is excited for me! I'm excited for me. I'm about to embark on a wonderful life adventure and I'm not doing it alone...

...Braden and I got engaged. It was very romantic. He proposed at dusk on Cumberland Island after we had gone for a swim after a 6 mile hike. And then wild horses came out to greet us. A good omen, I presume. And we have a wedding venue and a date MAY 21st 2011! We are getting married at the historical Horace Williams house in Chapel Hill. It just fits considering we are Chapel Hill natives and we love this town. Our color scheme is red and black. Actually wedding planning has become a lot more fun now that we have some concrete details set in stone.

So I'm going to be a wife. And it's to a man I love who keeps me sane and makes me smile and every day I adore coming home to him. He wants a family and a house and wife and I want to be that for him.

Dormire!!

I just have to say that while fulfilling and prosperous...my job is really exhausting. This whole wake up at 6am get home at 7pm or later thing is KILLING ME. And my voice. I barely have the energy to sing above the staff, so I usually just mark. How I'm ever going to master "Glitter and be Gay" on this schedule is beyond me.

Make money to make time for the things you love...

In the meantime, the great mezzo, Cecilia Bartoli as Despina.

What me worry?

Why are you so anxious?

Ah. Well that's really the billion dollar question, isn't it? Today it was asked by a very cool gentleman who runs a Thai kickboxing gym, from a new account I opened for my new sales job (more on that later).

If you're an actress, shouldn't you be relaxed?

Oh, I wish. I ask myself all the time why I'm this way. Why can't I just relax and be like everyone else? Is it genetic? Am I supposed to be so tightly wound because DNA makes me that way? Is because I always hold myself up to the highest standards? I want to succeed so badly in everything I pursue...is it that drive for life and success that make me soar into a tailspin? I don't want to be anxious. In my heart of hearts, I want to interact with people like I interact with Braden and not be on edge. I don't want to be the odd, shy girl that I was in college, which was a stereotype until I graduated.

Fear of failure? Fear of loneliness? Fear of...WHAT?!?!

So these are the cards I'm dealt. Every day I deal with it.

Voice lessons were MUCH better this week. I felt like I wasn't fighting the exercises for once. Everything just started to come in bits and pieces. The height, the roundness of the vowels, the Italian diction, even the dreaded whistle register. I am going to have to practice my butt off this week and make myself be diligent. It has been hard when I've been waking up at 6:30am and focusing on my new job as Field Rep.

Last weekend, Rebecca gave me all this stern advice about what I have to do to get into grad school and how I am sort of at a disadvantage being away from the opera world in NC. It's true...there aren't as many classical opportunities here. And despite the fact that I keep having good auditions, I can't seem to land a role. (Does my personal anxiety factor into all this?? I don't know!) She suggested I go to a summer program, but those cost money and I just can't get up and leave. And how grad school in New York would be simply paying for lessons, coaching and rent. And that's all I'd be doing. And it wouldn't be glamorous and it would be hard and OF COURSE I KNOW THAT. It's hard enough working full-time here. And I have Braden. And being with here with Braden, having him as my support system, is SO important to me.

I went to Memphis for UPTA, the big professional auditions. I sang and did my monologue fine. I did not get a single callback. It's not like I cried or anything, but I can tell you that being the only one in the shuttle riding from the callback space to the theater in the pouring cold rain is a pretty shitty feeling. 

BUT, there's more: they  grade the auditioners. If companies think they are not professional and talented enough to attend, they can be flagged and asked not to come back. I did NOT get flagged. So basically I am professional and talented...but no one wants to hire me. It's a real mindfuck. All sorts of things go through my head; "Is it my weight? My song? My hair? My voice? My speaking voice? My reputation?" Yes it's a lot of people saying NO, but at the end of the day, I just had to fly home and continue my job here. No running off around the country for some theater career.

As for opera, I am loving "In Uomini...", more so than "Kommt". I keep watching that video and noticing all my mistakes. God, I was so under-rehearsed. It makes me mad. I've always had trouble watching myself and at least now I know to practice more more MORE. I know I was decent, but I should have been better. I know, still too hard on myself.

So all these feelings and advantages and disadvantages seem to weave their way into my job as an office supply sales rep. I don't want to say too much because I don't want to get fired. HA. It's challenging, to say the least. It's nearly all on commission and you have to work your ass off to earn that salary position. And it's all numbers...sometimes I can work all day and not make a sale and I feel like shit. Because it's not based on merit, it's based on $$$. There are other days where it feels like a breeze. But my drive and work ethic from theater work to my advantage...and unfortunately cold calling certainly plays on my anxiety disadvantage. 

I'm learning to accept life for what it is; not a roadmap to a dream...but a journey. The journey is so cyclical and intertwined

Marry Him -- because you love him and he's worth it!!

http://www.newsweek.com/id/233381

There's a book out that I read on the plane back from Memphis called "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough" by Lori Gottlieb. Basically the synopsis is as follows:

"Expanding on her 2008 Atlantic essay , Gottlieb, a 42-year-old mother who's never been married, says that young women today—herself a prime example—are too willing to give up a guy who's an 8 in search of a 10, only to find themselves middle-aged, alone, and no longer able to attract even a 6. Better, she argues, to settle for the kind, loyal guy with some flaws when you're still young enough to snag 'em."


In the book, Ms. Gottlieb goes on to whine about how at 41, single with a sperm-donor child, she has yet to find a husband and so do so many other "perfectionist" women. Excuse me, but when was the ultimate goal to find someone with movie star looks, a Plantinum credit card who will constantly dote on us financially, emotionally and sexually? Aren't you supposed to find someone that...um, LOVES YOU? 

So she goes on to interview women that have dumped various men because they were "not into the exact same interests" or "wasn't that fashionable", "had facial hair". So accepting these things about someone who cares about you and loves you is SETTLING? Because he's not a clone of Brad Pitt...it's settling? I understand that as single women who have been dumped or dumped in the past, we often make lists on what we want in a partner, aka "shopping at the Husband Store". I made a list. There are 20 "wants". Lucky for me, Braden fits 18 of them. But as many as you know, Braden is completely ideologically and aesthetically different than me in SO MANY ways. Had I had written him off due to his ever growing collection of computer parts, raw building materials and flea market-meets-junkyard decor...or his interesting (when we first started dating, his VERY UNIQUE) facial hair, well I would have missed out on the most sincere, loving, giving man I have ever met.

And it goes both ways: he could have just have easily shunned me for my creative lifestyle or the fact that I leave cabinets open all over the house. I KNOW I'm not perfect...sure Hotornot rates me an 8.2 (whoo!) but does that give me the right to dump a guy because he doesn't have an Ivy League degree or a million facebook friends (answer: no.)

A passage that grates on me the most was that in her 20s the author dumped a guy who was "cute, funny, ambitious BUT into sci-fi," and this was considered acceptable by her peers. So he liked Star Wars or Firefly...what guy doesn't? Oooo...he's different than your ideal fantasy man. DEALBREAKER!! NEXT!! Who are these women and when did this become the acceptable post-20th century feminist status quo?

Clearly if someone isn't meeting your core value needs, like being a good father or husband, or has a job and desires to provide for you and him...okay, move on to the next one. But don't just turn someone off because they wear a bow-tie (like the author initally does.)

It just goes to show that self-absorption and superficiality will, more often than not, leave you all by your lonesome, ladies. He's not Brad Pitt, but you aren't Angelina either. We all deserved to be loved...so find someone worth loving and trusting who's sincere and ambitious and embraces you, flaws and all as a partner...just as you embrace them. Entitlement to a fantasy is a one-way ticket to cat lady town.

Sometimes sincerity and mutual love and core values make the RELATIONSHIP a 10.

Bambino?

I've been scanning through blogs looking for ones I might be interested in following. I've noticed that the majority of them are about families and raising kids. Some of my best friends and aquaintances are starting families. It's alarming how life jumps from graduating college to badaboom IT'S A FETUS! I always thought I wanted to have kids by 25 but now that I've been living on my own with Braden and taking care of Bax, I've realized that I've got quite a lot of growing up to do before creating a new life. I always wanted to be one of those young, pleasant moms...though it startles me when I see moms with 3 year olds in Hallmark who are younger than me.

So should Braden and I get married, we've agreed on this. NO MORE THAN 2. (this comment frequently comes out when we're drunk.) And I'm aiming for 29 1/2 years old. That gives me a little over 5 years to get my act together...whatever that may be.

Pregnancy does fascinate me though. I definitely have a ticking biological clock. I think I'd rather enjoy it. I've always had a weird fascination with how the body works, even the gross stuff. This probably explains why I enjoying grooming Braden and popping his blackheads on a regular basis. I know, that's disgusting but there's something so soothing about.

In any case, check out my friend Amy's journey into motherhood: http://realhousewifeofraleigh.blogspot.com/ As it turns out, I'm quoted in today's title. Hooray for blog fame!

Bravissima

I figure we go back to my "Viva la Not-So-Diva" roots. It's been a strange, emotionally exhausting weekend.

Friday 2pm I had a blowout with my boss at Hallmark about how I've been apathetic and vacant. Which is true. I've been completely depressed this month and kind of hating everything in my life. And then she suggested I should be fired and should only work seasonly so I left.

6pm - I get a phone call being offered a job at a marketing firm that I am slightly apprehensive about because it mostly based on commissions and I have to get up at 6:30am every day and drive to Raleigh. But it is full time and there is a chance I can make a decent amount of cash.

8pm - Recital. We can't figure how to get the camera to work...I'm a mess with the accompianiment. But vocally I sound fine (if a little too bright) And I never freaking know what do with my hands when I'm not moving them. I make wings. It looks strange. But my parents and the old people love it. I get the most applause out of everyone. This one old lady of Eastern European descent says "I sing beautiful and look sexy." Nice. Braden has to work at the last minute and can't make it, which is probably for the best because he watches it later uncomfortably and makes fun of my expressions.

Which I wasn't really expecting him to LAUGH. Smile maybe, but not smirk. Maybe a "wow, you sound really good." or "you look beautiful." But he just kind of laughs through the whole thing and I don't know what to do so I just laugh along, kind of like at Christmas when my cousins started making fun of me at the dinner table about Sean and our engagement and all the horrible things that happened. As if that was the appropriate dinner conversation. How steamingly uncomfortable I was, but I played along and shared the same goofy embarrassing, revolting anecdotes.

Saturday 12am - We go to The Station and they are playing Soul & old school Beach music which I love. I convince Braden to dance with me and have massive amounts of fun. I was on a high from the recital, so I even got up the urge to talk to people. STRANGERS! I KNOW, RIGHT? I may have made a friend. I must say, having Bax with us is wonderful ice breaker because everybody likes a puppy. It's like that commercial where single men rent puppies to meet women. Guess what? It works! We dance some more (I request Sam Cooke's "You Send Me", but no dice. Those DJs never play requests...probably because they have a premade Ipod shuffle playlist. The art of the DJ has clearly been simplified over the past decade.) We both get very drunk. Blue moons for everyone!

2:00am - He gets sick of dancing like he alway does so I ask if he minds if I dance with other people. He doesn't mind and hey I'm feeling very pretty and social for once. So a lot of men want to dance with me. Braden disappears so I guess most of them assume I'm single. And this guy starts following me around, getting the wrong idea...following to my car...to go hang out at our apartment. He's confused and I'm not sober enough to explain my boyfriend is IN THE CAR RIGHT NOW. PISSED OFF. So we have a stupid drunk fight where he ignores me and I keep yelling and then at some point we embrace and have sex and then just pass out.

10am - We wake up hungover and have breakfast together. It's uncomfortable.

All of these rollercoaster emotions over the past 24 hours...too much. I know it's gonna get better and level out eventually...but it's really been too much drama for me to handle. I am so ready to put January 2010 past me.

But you just came here for the recital video. Okay, here you go!

One more day

Another day, another rejection. And a notice from a scam company. The "you pay us $400, you make six figures...!" No. So very fulfilling. It's really hard to get up in the morning. I got up at 9:30am...responded to some emails and phone calls and found myself just wanting to lay down again. Baby steps. Tomorrow I vow to get up and not go to back to bed. I know, I'm such a drama queen, but...

It's really hard. I wish I had something better way of describing it. And it's tearing Braden and I apart. Mostly because of me and my depression.

Right now, in voice, I'm working in "In Uomini, In Soldati" from Cosi Fan Tutte by Mozert. Another one of the delightful maid roles that I so specialize in, Despina.

My performance goal is...have 5 arias prepared and ready to go by June.

I like this...fun, accurate acting. Actually, I like this more than the arias that are all "oh I'm in love. you are the birds and trees and wind. I'm so dramatic, I'm in love."